This story is about me and about my experience as a stay at home mom. I hope that someone out there can relate, and I hope that in some way it brings comfort or at least validation.
Let me start at the beginning, or close to it. About six years ago I started college, and at that point a lot of things changed. I guess you could say I found myself in a way. I went through many trials from changing my major (do to feelings of inadequacy) to losing my grandma, and much more. I submerged myself in my studies, and I loved it! I loved learning, getting to know people, challenging myself, serving on various committees, and being involved in my ward and community. The best part was, that I discovered what a passionate person I am. Everything I put my heart into became a part of me most especially my field of study, English and art education. I discovered just how much I love to read, write, paint,take pictures, and teach. I had no idea I could get so excited about such things. I began to feel as though I couldn't do anything else. I wanted to teach, I wanted to paint, and I wanted to read classical literature and analyze it to my hearts content. I didn't think I could give these things up for motherhood.
Well, in December of 2011 I married a wonderful man. The kind of person every women wishes they could find. Nine months after we married, I found out I was pregnant. I was very excited and nervous. I was right in the middle of finishing my last semester of classes, and I was preparing to do my student teaching. I knew I was in for a trial. Despite feeling overwhelmed, sick, and scared, I made it though to the end. I was terrified at that time to give up everything that I felt I had worked so hard for to be a mother. My husband and I decided that I should stay home to raise the children as long as it was possible for me to do so. I know it may be cliche, but yes, I wanted to be the one to teach my children to walk, crawl, and say their ABC's. Being a mom was, and is, more important to me than being a teacher or artist. Consequently, I turned down job offers and I went home and waited for my son to come. It was a real adjustment to go from super busy and overwhelmed to trying to find things to do with my time.
When my son came into the world, I quickly learned that being a mother was a bit harder than I had anticipated. Breastfeeding was a beast and it was very time consuming! Devoting your every minute to a baby can be very exhausting, especially if your baby doesn't sleep through the night.
My son is eight and a half months old now and things have gotten easier. I love being a mom, truly I do. I love playing with my son on the floor, watching him learn how to walk along the furniture, eat, and communicate. He is the joy of my life. However, I still struggle to find fulfillment in my life. I still long for the opportunity to sit down for a few hours and read a good book that challenges my thinking. I want so badly to write something meaningful and paint something magnificent. However, I know that my time will come and if I am patient, I will find the means and time to do the things I love and be a mom. Right now, being a mom is more important to me. In the meantime, I write on my blog, read books here and there, save for my camera, and merely start drawings that I never seem to have time to finish. Beyond that I am a mom who cleans house, runs errands, bakes, makes dinner, mends shirts, mentors young women, participates in my church, plans baby showers, and any other task I can get my hands on. I am a educated mom and wife, and I do my best
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